AGAINST the bleak backdrop of increasing divorce rates, the Golden Jubilee wedding anniversary of Jacob and Jane Sebastian is a breath of fresh air.
STILL GOING STRONG: Jacob and Jane exchange wedding vows for the second time with Father Albert Jacobse presiding.
It is a reminder that the love and respect that bind a marriage can be sustained even in modern times when, more often than not, the daily grind and stresses of life can lead to a breakup.
It was hard as well for the Sebastians. During their courtship — and even after marriage – they were facing challenges that threatened their union.
But they remained devoted to each other, holding on to the sanctity of their marriage vows, determined to prove they have what that it takes to make their marriage work. And that they did.
Only last month (December 17, 2010), the couple, resplendent in their attires, walked down the aisle of St Joseph’s Cathedral to renew their marriage vows on their 50th wedding anniversary.
For Jacob, it is even more rewarding now than ever because at 83, he can still hold his wife’s hands and walk down the aisle with her — something he never envisaged when he was 20.
Jacob is suffering from a medical condition called bronhiectasis and surviving through his right lung. His condition was discovered when he was just 18.
Sharing his secrets of a lasting marriage, he said from his observations, failure of an inter-racial marriage (in his case between an Indian man and Chinese woman) usually stems from the husband’s imposition on his wife to change.
It is an Indian culture that the wife is to be absorbed into the husband’s personality as he is the head of the family.
This, according to Jacob, cannot be applied to a multi-cultural country like Malaysia.
“Indian men expect their Chinese wives to wear saree, put on the bindi, cook Indian food and even learn to speak the language. In short, they expect them be like Indian women.”
Jacob accepts Jane as she is — a Chinese and a Hakka and a person with her own rights. He never insists that she should change.
“A marriage is a union of two individuals and we must respect the individuality, the difference. We cannot expect our spouse to change to suit us,” he explained.
Jacob said his wife is now more Indian than an Indian woman, adding that she can cook better Indian dishes and wears saree.
She had assimilated into the culture without compromising hers, he noted.
Jane believes in the importance of having one unifying faith and language. Because of that, Jane, a former Buddhist, converted to Catholicism when she married to Jacob.
Being the matriarch, she uses English as the family’s common mode of communication.
“We speak English at home and even outside when I’m with friends or family members. When Jacob is around, we speak in English so that he can understand and partake in the conversation.”
A stanza from a book given to Jacob by his professor helps him to remain rationale and level-headed when things got a bit rough in their marriage.
It reads: When you meet a man, try to understand him and you will either love or hate him. But when you meet a woman, just love her.
“Jane has a dominant character and I too have quite a temper. But I believe when a woman is in a bad mood, that’s the time she needs more love and care.”
The couple met when he was teaching in Sarikei and she was taking English tuition from him.
He was boarding in his future father-in-law’s shop.
Their relationship was not given the blessing that it sought. Even after marriage, their family were shunned and the grandchildren never got to know their Chinese grandparents until they were older.
Harsh reality set in when the rosy tint of marriage faded away and the couple had to struggle to adjust to parenthood when the children were born.
“It was especially difficult for me because I stayed at home while Jacob was away at work. I had no one to help me. I was on my own,” Jane recalled.
When the children were in school, money was tight and she helped supplement the family’s income by selling insurance, cookies and biscuits during festive occasions.
Jacob who hails from the sub-continent of India, was a ‘hot commodity’ upon his graduation.
A long line of prospective brides came knocking on his door and this so terrified the young man that he took refuge in a job in Burma (now Myanmar).
“I ran away simply because I knew my medical condition and I had no desire to leave my bride a young widow.”
The uncertain political situation in Burma made him decide to move to Sarawak to work as a teacher. Here, his fate — in the person of Jane — awaited him.
Jacob and Jane were married in the old St Joseph’s Cathedral in 1960 and the wedding was solemnised by Father Harry von Erp, the rector of the cathedral.
The couple is blessed with four children — Anthony, Audrey, Aileen and Alvin and lovely grandchildren.