Asking for forgiveness is an admission you’ve made a poor decision – and it can be humiliating to admit you’re wrong – but kids say they respect their parents more when they apologise.
Nobody likes to apologise. It’s embarrassing. We feel ashamed, sad, foolish. It’s tough to get those words out even if they’re the only way to move beyond the wreckage of a parent-teen conflict and start healing.
Why is that difficulty multiplied when we need to apologise to our own kids? See whether any of these reasons might apply to you:
- Until now, your child has looked up to you. Asking forgiveness is an admission that you’re not perfect – which implies that maybe you don’t always make the best choices as a parent. You’re afraid this will cause your teen to doubt all your decisions, or to find further excuse to defy you.
- It can be humiliating to admit you’re wrong. It feels like assigning yourself to the penalty box. The truth is that it takes strength to acknowledge your faults, and can help your teen relate to you as a fellow mistake-maker – but it’s not much fun.
- You want to model perfection so your teen will strive for a higher goal. Unfortunately, models of perfection discourage kids who feel like they’re constantly messing up. If they can’t be perfect, why try at all?
- You fear that if you admit you’re flawed, your teen won’t respect you anymore. Actually, the opposite is true. Kids say they respect their parents more when they apologise.
What happens when parents apologise to their kids? Understanding, forgiveness, closeness and love.
Does asking for forgiveness really reduce the distance between parents and teens? Can it defuse rebellion? These teens seem to think so:
The fact that my mom is willing to humble herself and admit that she has made a mistake helps me to respect her a lot. It makes it so much easier for me to apologise and want to change when she will meet me in the middle. It also makes it easier to identify with the things she tells me and helps me to pay attention to her advice by her taking away an attitude of superiority.
It greatly encouraged me that my dad thought it was necessary to confess his sin. It set before me an example of what is true and right. I will never forget this.
When my parents apologise to me, it lets me know we all make mistakes when we’re young and old – and helps me realise we’re all in the same boat. It helps me see they are trying hard, too.
When my parents tell me they’re sorry, I feel as if they really do care about me and how their mistake affected me. It reminds me that they are not perfect either and that they are still learning from mistakes. Above all, their apology reminds me that they really do love and care for me.
My parents were always very quick to apologise. This is probably the reason that I don’t remember any exact incidents where they hurt me.
My parents have never had a problem with saying “Sorry.” It never made me feel better right away but I couldn’t stay mad at them. And it made it a lot easier to say I was sorry when I screwed up.
When my mom apologised, it helped me to see she understood me. It made me feel closer to her.
When my dad apologised to me, this greatly improved our relationship. I stopped thinking of him as perfect and started thinking of him as a human. When that happened, I realised I could hang out with him and be friends.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t read those words without wanting to figure out something to apologise to my kids for!