England ‘win’ World Cup 2010


SO who is the real superstar of World Cup 2010?  Not Ronaldo, Klose or Messi.

In fact not anyone with two legs but eight legs.It’s an octopus from Germany known as Paul.

At the time of writing, Paul the octopus had correctly predicted every German win and defeat in the World Cup competition from his tank in the Oberhausen Sea Life Centre in Germany.

Paul was born in Weymouth, England, but he still chose the Germans to defeat his native land.

The psychic octopus known for his amazingly accurate World Cup predictions has received death threats.

Paul, the oracle octopus whose prescient premonitions perfectly predicted the outcome of all six German World Cup games, first generated anger from Argentinian fans who believe his percipient pick doomed Argentina in the quarter finals.

Paul’s keeper in Oberhausen, Germany said “there are always people who want to eat our octopus but he is not shy and we are here to protect him as well. He will survive.”

Paul’s powers reached a new level last Wednesday, when his bold pick against his current home country proved correct, bringing his World Cup record to a jaw-dropping six for six.

The beautiful and brilliant octopus predicted all four of Germany’s victories, as well as their upset loss to Serbia and semifinals defeat at the hands of Spain.

But who won the World Cup 2010? Holland? Spain? Well this one even Paul the octopus won’t get right.

Calling all you pundits and bookies.

I am no Paul the octopus but I can tell you the winner of World Cup 2010 is actually England.

England? You have got to be joking.

They were thrashed by Germany.

They might have won if Frank Lampard’s goal had not been disallowed by the referee.

The video evidence clearly showed the ball crossing the line.

Yes, England was kicked out of the World Cup, but consider this very plausible scenario that I am about to unfold.

In the days before the final match, a certain Messrs Lampard, Cappello and EPL (English Premier League) file a writ of summons in High Courts of South Africa and England applying for :-

a) a declaration that the World Cup Final Match should be between England and Holland instead of Holland and Spain

b) an injunction restraining the holding of the World Cup Final or alternatively restraining the winner of the Holland-Spain match from lifting the World Cup

c) damages personally against Sepp Blatter, who incidentally is a German, for super negligence for failing to order a replay of the Germany-England game after viewing the video evidence

d) super damages running into trillions of dollars against Fifa for loss of advertising income from product endorsement and TV rights on a global scale because of disallowing Frank Lampard’s goal

e) costs for proceedings filed in the Courts of South Africa, England and the rest of the world where Fifa has a office or branch office.

Well aren’t you finding this very exciting? More exciting than the actual World Cup Final Game in Johannesburg.

I predict that after the World Cup Final, a certain Mr John Grisham will contact me and say “Hey Jude, you’ve got a very interesting story here.

“Get in touch with me and we can collaborate on a book and movie.

“Tom Cruise will make a great Frank Lampard and we will cast Clint Eastwood as Cappello.

“Maybe we will call it The World Octopus Cup.”

So while Sepp Blatter starts his usual speech about this being the ‘Best’ World Cup at the closing ceremony, a process server appears in the middle of proceedings to serve the injunction issued by the High Court at Johannesburg restraining the match between Holland and Spain until the outcome of the Frank Lampard case in court.

In time the High Court hearings do take place and after much deliberation, the judges agree with the England camp and order a replay of the England-Germany game.

All this while a political storm has been brewing in the United Nations with Chancellor Merkel denouncing the English for trying to restart World War II again.

She goes on to say that the Frank Lampard suit is frivolous and vexatious and that the FA of England is jealous because now the Bundesliga in Germany together with the Prima Liga in Spain are now the most popular TV soccer channels worldwide and nobody watches the English Premier League after the disastrous performances by Messrs Rooney, Gerrard and Co for the England team.

After the outcome of the High Court ordering a replay, Sepp Blatter is overthrown in a Fifa coup de tat because in the words of Fifa Exco “he is technologically illiterate”, while Frank Lampard is made a knight and awarded an OBE for outstanding services rendered to world football.

By this time Wayne Rooney no longer plays for England or Manchester United, who now fork out a new transfer world record fee for Diego Forlan as Alex Ferguson admits letting him go from Manchester United in the first place was the greatest mistake of his managerial career.

Paul the Octopus, meanwhile, has been kidnapped and nobody can find him but suspicions are he is held incommunicado in some CIA lab around the world to predict among other things, the exact date for the end of the world.

Due to the Frank Lampard incident, the rules of football are changed to allow video evidence but games are now delayed and the flow of play disrupted.

A football match, which is 90 minutes, now takes 180 minutes to complete and many fans have deserted the game.

In a recent worldwide study, it was found that football, which used to be the world number one sport, is now ranked 113, just above chess.

As for the England-Germany replay, the German players want to get on the field but the German FA refuses saying that the court decision is an insult to them.

England is awarded the game on a walkover.

The next match is now England against Argentina and Argentina does take the field.

However, without the Hand of God Maradona and leading players such as Messi and Tevez, who are not released by their clubs, England under new manager Rafa Benitez (don’t ask me why) demolish a weakened Argentina side 4-0.

The next match is against Spain who earlier defeated Germany to reach the finals.

Spain are also very unhappy with the court litigation and refuse to play saying that having beaten Germany earlier and assuming they are the world champions after the Spain-Holland final game, Fifa dethrones Spain of their win and World Cup Crown.

So now England is in the Final of the World Cup or rather the replayed finals under order of the court.

They play Holland this time without Frank Lampard, who by now is Prime Minister of Britain having won the greatest English victory since Queen Elizabeth I defeated the Spanish Armada.

The Dutch who take the field are a pale shadow of what they used to be.

They lose out to an England side on a penalty goal by David Beckham who has been recalled to the team despite his age because during World Cup 2010 he was still the smartest

player around despite not playing.

The penalty itself was controversial because the goalie saved the ball, but video evidence showed the ball had entered the net.

Apparently some hacker had tampered with the system but as the rules now declared that video evidence as indisputable evidence, England won World Cup 2010.

PS: I forgot to tell you.

As for Paul the Octopus, he was ordered to be released by President Obama who is now a keen soccer fan.

Paul the Octopus had a brief career in movies as James Bond including a remake of the Bond thriller ‘Octopussy’, before he was appointed as the new President of Fifa.

Not bad for an octopus.