A PARTICIPANT of a disability equality workshop I was conducting enquired if she could ask me a question. I nodded, thinking it was a question related to the topic at hand. Instead, she asked how I came to be sitting in a wheelchair. This is one question I get asked countless times. After more than 30 years of recounting the same story over and over again, it has become irksome. I told her anyway out of politeness.
“Oh, what a pity, you were so young then,” she responded after I finished telling her. She became even more curious after that. I knew what was coming next. And true enough, without skipping a beat, she asked “Are you married?” While looking at the far end of the room where my wife was standing, she added, “Is she your wife?”
I nodded again.
She probed further and asked if we have children and how many are boys. That was as far as I was willing to go along with that line of questioning. Besides, the participants were supposed to be deliberating on ways to remove barriers in their workplaces rather discuss about my personal affairs.
I told her softly we have three children. All of them are cats though. She let out a half-hearted laugh. I always like to watch the reaction of people who ask me such questions when I break the truth to them. I understand people are curious about my life and I am more than willing to share the problems I face as a disabled person. Even then, there is a limit to how far they should pry into my private life, especially when we are barely acquainted.
I don’t know about other people but I have never asked my other disabled friends if they have children or plan to have one, no matter how close we are, either in casual or private conversations. I feel such intrusions are rude, insensitive and uncalled-for. If they wanted to tell me about their children, they would have and I would have been more than happy to listen and share in their pride.
However, most people ask out of curiosity. Some are interested to know if a disabled person is capable of procreating. Others use it as a conversation starter. And then there are your typical busybodies who want to know so they can use that as conversation fodder with other people later. I know because gossip like that has a way of going around and coming back to me.
For the curious people who have been wondering, being physically disabled doesn’t necessarily mean one cannot father or mother a child naturally. I have both male and female disabled friends who have kids without undergoing any artificial procedure. For those with difficulties, there are always treatment options to achieve that. If even that is unsuccessful, there is always the possibility to adopt.
A while back, a friend I was chatting with asked if my wife and I have ever thought of having a child. Her husband is a wheelchair user. She shared the extend they both went to in order for her to conceive. It appeared like a long and difficult process to me. They were successful in the end and are now the proud parents of three teenagers.
I told her my wife and I are already in our 40s. That is not a problem actually as my mother had me when she was 41. We are more concerned with the financial commitment needed to see the child through college. We would be in our 60s by then and are not sure if we want to work hard up to that age. She was not pushy and left it at that. For that, I was grateful to her for opening up her life to me.
And then there were friends and relatives who were generous in providing unsolicited advice. The most common line was we should have children so there will be someone to look after us in our old age. Personally, I feel this is a bad excuse to have children.
The joy of parenthood should be about bringing a life into this world and raising the child up to become a responsible adult. Nowadays, it is not unusual even for non-disabled couples to decide they don’t want children. This is their choice. Who are we to judge them for coming to that decision?
As a matter of fact, my wife and I did discuss this matter in depth before we got married. Having a child and bringing one up requires commitment and responsibility. At that point in time, I was barely earning enough income to support myself and my renal function was gradually deteriorating.
I was also dependent on her to support me with many of my daily tasks. Adding a baby to the equation would be more than she could handle. Therefore, we made the decision not to have children.
I won’t say we don’t miss being parents. There are times when I wonder how it would be if we were to have kids. Coming from a rather big family, I do yearn for that atmosphere once in a while.
But like how I have accepted I will never be able to walk again, I have also accepted the reality of not having children. My wife and I have made that choice and we have never regretted a moment of it.